LONDON— A high-stakes inquiry into imperial heritage took a strange turn today as parliamentary cross-examination revealed how the British monarchy plans to address slavery across the Commonwealth.
Q: Could you state your name and official title for the record?
A: Sir Alistair Vance, Chief Reparations Mitigator for the Royal Household.
Q: Sir Alistair, how does the Crown intend to address slavery during upcoming diplomatic visits?
A: We plan to address slavery with profound sorrow, maximum solemnity, and a storewide promotional code. Guests can enter HEIRLOOM10 at checkout for a discount on commemorative ceramics.
Q: You believe a ten percent discount fully addresses centuries of colonial exploitation?
A: Absolutely not. We also drafted a very thoughtful press release expressing deep personal regret. It uses passive voice so nobody feels targeted.
Q: Did the Palace calculate the financial value of the labor involved?
A: Indeed. Our accountants cross-referenced three centuries of sugar yields with modern gift shop margins. We determined that a minor mark-down on fine bone china represents a balanced compromise.
Q: Is it true that the official strategy to address slavery involves releasing a line of limited-edition apology tea towels?
A: They are 100% organic Egyptian cotton. The embroidery clearly states that history is complicated and that everyone should move forward together.
Q: Did the Crown consult affected nations before finalizing this plan?
A: We consulted several focus groups in Surrey. They agreed that actual monetary restitution sounded crude. They preferred a nice, dignified gesture like a memorial oak tree or a commemorative coin.
Q: Are you saying the entire institution plans to address slavery by selling souvenirs?
A: Selling souvenirs is how we address everything. We addressed the Blitz with a tin mug. We addressed the Great Plague with a silver spoon. History happens, and then we license the tea cozy.
Q: Does the King intend to offer a formal apology?
A: A formal apology carries legal liabilities. We prefer a solemn nod while wearing a heavy velvet cape. It conveys emotional weight without altering the royal budget.
At press time, the witness added that international shipping fees on all commemorative sorrow merchandise would remain strictly non-refundable.
