Music
Rise Against Announce Fall 2026 US Tour With Alkaline Trio
Rise Against Announce Fall 2026 US Tour with Alkaline Trio. Bands promise ‘maximum noise, minimum coherence.’
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Music
Jay-Z To Headline Roots Picnic, First Festival In 7 Years
Jay-Z headlines the Roots Picnic, his first festival gig in 7 years. The hip-hop legend reunites with The Roots for a highly anticipated performance.
Music
Peter Frampton Announces First Album in 16 Years, Hopes It’s “Okay”
Peter Frampton’s first album in 16 years is coming, and he’s just hoping it’s ‘okay.’ Collaborations with Sheryl Crow, H.E.R., and Tom Morello add star power.
Music
Lollapalooza 2026 Lineup Features More Algorithms Than Artists
Lollapalooza 2026 lineup revealed, featuring AI-curated acts. Organizers claim advanced algorithms will provide optimal emotional resonance.
Music
Ella Langley Dominates Hot Country Songs, Beyoncé & Taylor Swift Bewildered
Ella Langley’s Hot Country Songs chart dominance leaves pop superstars Beyoncé and Taylor Swift bewildered.
Music
Kid Rock Unleashes Fury Over DOJ Live Nation Settlement
Kid Rock remains utterly disgusted by the DOJ’s Live Nation settlement, demanding a more “visceral and public” corporate dismantling.
Music
Butthole Surfers Finally Unearth Shelved 1998 Album, Blame ‘Shiny Objects’
The Butthole Surfers announced the release of their long-shelved 1998 album, After The Astronaut, which they reportedly forgot about for 26 years.
Music
Peter Frampton’s 16-Year Album Hiatus Ends with Mundane Revelations
Peter Frampton Announces First Original Album in 16 Years, promising profound insights gleaned from years of patiently waiting in line at the DMV.
Music
Iran’s New Supreme Leader Revealed as AI, Diagnosed with ‘Syntax Indigestion’
Iran’s new supreme leader, AyatollahGPT, is suffering from ‘syntax indigestion,’ emitting directives on quantum calligraphy and tariffs on pistachios.
Music
Cuba Blackout Solutions Include ‘Collective Staring’ at Sun for Power
Cuban authorities unveil absurd Cuba blackout solutions, including collective sun-staring and pedal
Music
White House Announces New Strategy for ‘Iran Beyond Control’: Pretending It’s Fine
Amid fears of Iran slipping beyond control, the White House unveils a new strategy: complete and utter denial, hoping the problem disappears.
Music
Trump’s ‘Coalition of the Willing’ to Reopen Strait of Hormuz Consists Solely of Self
President Trump struggled to build a Strait of Hormuz coalition, reportedly seeking advice from trophies and his own reflection after international allies declined his calls.
Music
Pop Queens Studio Blitz Sparks Global Meltdown
As All the Pop Queens Are in the Studio Right Now, global authorities brace for an unprecedented flood of new music, warning citizens of imminent earworms.
Music
Rosalía’s Lux Tour Opener Delivers Shocking Lack of Actual Luxury
Attendees reportedly left questioning the very definition of ‘opulence.’
Music
Gladie’s ‘I Want That For You’ Sparks Unprecedented Surge in Vague Well-Wishing
Gladie’s ‘I Want That For You’ has inadvertently triggered a wave of well-meaning but non-specific encouragement across the nation, baffling sociologists.
Politics
Democrats’ Anti-ICE Messaging Backfires, Boosts Local Ice Cream Sales
An early test for Democrats’ anti-ICE messaging in Illinois led to widespread public confusion, with voters mistakenly protesting frozen treats instead of immigration policy.
Music
Iron Lung, Tørsö, Apartment 213 Bail on CY Fest Amid Boycott
Iron Lung, Tørsö, and Apartment 213 have dropped off the CY Fest lineup. Boycott calls cite allegations against promoter Ignacio Rodriguera.
Music
Mike McCready Unveils Graphic Novel, Promises Rock Opera Tour
Mike McCready’s graphic novel and rock opera are coming. Fans wonder if it’s a concert or a reading.