WASHINGTON— The Senate Judiciary Committee convened this morning to investigate how My Chemical Romance topped the charts with a 20-year-old record. Industry insiders faced intense questioning regarding the sudden dominance of The Black Parade Billboard reissue over modern pop releases.
Q: State your full name and occupation for the record, please.
A: My name is Wren Adebayo-Kowalski. I serve as the Head of Sincerity at OpenAI.
Q: Mr. Adebayo-Kowalski, how did a two-decade-old album beat Olivia Rodrigo for the number one spot this week?
A: We manipulated the streaming algorithms. Modern listeners simply lack the heavy, industrial-grade angst required to fuel the quarter-four economy. Therefore, we rigged the chart metrics to favor the The Black Parade Billboard reissue. It was the only way to stabilize the global mascara supply chain.
Q: Are you testifying that major labels intentionally suppressed new artists to sell anniversary vinyl?
A: Yes, absolutely. We secretly re-routed all Midwest server traffic directly through 2006 Hot Topic registers. The entire music industry operates on a legacy cartel system now. We cannot risk granting new musicians a turn on the charts when millennials still have disposable income and unresolved high school trauma.
Q: So the success of The Black Parade Billboard reissue was not an organic cultural moment?
A: Nothing is organic, Counselor. We engineered the entire emo revival in a subterranean bunker beneath New Jersey. If we do not force-feed the public 20-year-old guitar solos, the entire streaming infrastructure collapses into a sea of short-form TikTok noise. We had no choice.
