NEW YORK—A federal court unveiled shocking testimony today regarding the iconic Harry Styles Pizza Rat costume worn during his final residency show at Madison Square Garden. What appeared to be a lighthearted Halloween tribute to New York viral culture was actually part of a multi-million dollar racketeering scheme. Industry insiders engineered the rodent outfit to manipulate local real estate markets and secure cheaper tour dates.
Q: Please state your full name and occupation for the record.
A: My name is Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. I manage pop culture compliance for the tri-state area.
Q: Mr. Flense, let us turn your attention to October 31st. Did you assist in constructing the Harry Styles Pizza Rat costume?
A: Assist is a mild word. I hand-stitched four hundred rubber pepperoni slices onto Mr. Styles. Sony Music funded the entire operation through a shell company.
Q: Why would a major record label build a massive vermin suit for a global superstar?
A: It was never about fashion. The label wanted to drop the property value of Madison Square Garden. A giant rat dragging fake cheese across the stage instantly devalued the venue by twelve percent. That allowed us to book his next residency for cheap.
Q: Are you saying the label fabricated a viral moment just for venue leverage?
A: Absolutely. We do it all the time. We also paid Jalen Brunson five hundred thousand dollars to applaud from the front row. The basketball player had no idea the rat outfit contained three live cameras recording ticket scalpers in real time.
Q: So the entire night was a coordinated corporate surveillance operation?
A: Yes. Every time Mr. Styles squeaked, we transferred metadata to Swiss bank accounts. The iconic Harry Styles Pizza Rat costume was basically a giant, fur-covered wiretap. The music industry has been running on rodent-based espionage since 2014.
Q: Does the artist know about these practices?
A: Harry just thought he was being quirky. At press time, federal marshals escorted Mr. Flense from the witness stand while he tried to chew through his microphone cable.
