Texas Senate Primary Buys State Outright, Becomes Its Sole Owner
The Texas Senate Primary, already the most expensive in history, has officially purchased the entire state of…
Hawley to Oppose Iran War Powers Resolution, Cites ‘Pre-War Naps’
Senator Josh Hawley announced opposition to the Iran war powers resolution, citing a need for personal 'pre-war…
Sex Pistols Tour Reschedule to Accommodate Guitarist’s ‘Picking Fatigue’
The Sex Pistols tour reschedule is official. Guitarist Steve Jones required wrist rest from "aggressive power…
Pronto Formalizes House Help, Installs Tiny Cubicles for ‘Efficiency Specialists’
Pronto formalizes house help by introducing corporate KPIs, tiny mobile cubicles, and mandatory synergy circles,…
Dow Futures Drop as Market Panics Over Existential Dread of Squirrel
Dow futures drop sharply as a local squirrel's erratic nut-burying behavior sends markets into a tailspin,…
Maya Hawke Announces New Album, Plans To Sing Songs Live
Maya Hawke announced her fourth LP, "Devil You Know," and a spring tour. Fans are excited for new music and live…
DNC Narrows 2028 Convention Cities To Locations With Best Artisanal Kombucha
The DNC announced its 2028 DNC Convention cities. They were chosen for vibrant artisanal kombucha scenes,…
“Spooky Action” Single Animates Appliances, Demands Existential Debate
The New Pornographers' new single, "Spooky Action," has accidentally granted sentience to household appliances.…
Bory’s “Exactly What I Needed” Offers Soothing Balm To Existential Dread
Bory's new song "Exactly What I Needed" offers a quiet acoustic escape from daily anxieties. Listeners find…
Oasis Release ‘Acquiesce’ Live Recording From Wembley Stadium
Oasis releases live 'Acquiesce' recording for War Child UK. Band insists it's not new material, just 'fine'.