Topshelf Records Drops Ekko Astral Over Unfiltered Tap Water Preference
Topshelf Records Drops Ekko Astral, citing the band's egregious preference for unfiltered tap water. The label's…
Shaky Knees Festival Books Turnstile, Geese, Pavement; Headliners Confused
Shaky Knees Festival announced Turnstile, Geese, and Pavement for its lineup, causing widespread confusion among…
Nation’s Rare Earth Shortages Halt Production of Essential Tiny Disco Balls
Rare earth shortages have halted tiny disco ball production. Micro-parties are at risk, forcing aerospace…
Louvre’s New Boss Takes Helm, Vows to Install ‘Really Big Lock’
The new boss takes over at the Louvre after a major heist, proposing radical new security measures including a…
US Blocks Maduro’s Legal Fees: Dictator Forced to Check Couch Cushions
The U.S. blocked Venezuela from paying Maduro's legal fees, forcing the former president to explore crowdfunding…
Congressman’s Grammar Perversion Exposed by Widower
A widower exposed a congressman's shocking congressional grammar perversion. Illicit texts revealed unsanctioned…
Texas Senate Seat Sparks Existential Crisis, Lawmakers Report ‘Feeling Numbers’
Republicans' alarm over the Texas Senate seat has escalated to sensory perception, with strategists reporting…
Missing Epstein Files Found In ‘Forgotten Recipes’ Box
The long-sought Epstein files, related to a woman's claim against Trump, were located in a box labeled 'Old…
Megan Thee Stallion Has One Question for Juvenile, Nation Grinds to Halt
The nation hangs by a thread as Megan Thee Stallion's pressing inquiry to Juvenile regarding the 'B.B.B.' remix…
Telehealth IPOs with ‘Green World Image,’ Angers Traditional Punk Scene
Telehealth's new album, 'Green World Image,' comes with an IPO, blurring lines between punk rock and corporate…