Music
Kali Malone Announces Burning Song via Hostage Video Press Release
Kali Malone announces Burning Song, her latest album of punishing, beautiful pipe organ drones designed to test your home subwoofer.
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Business
Federal Reserve Pegs 10-Year Yield to the Heart Rate of This One Specific Squirrel
The Federal Reserve stabilized the market by pegging the 10-year yield directly to the panic levels of a DC park squirrel.
Entertainment
Peter Gabriel Apocalypse Survival Strategies Revealed by Sci-Fi Showrunner
Discover the shocking Peter Gabriel apocalypse survival strategies confirmed by the creator of the sci-fi show Silo.
Music
Last Ever Kellyoke Destroys Earth's Oxygen Supply, FCC Hearing Reveals
A congressional hearing reveals the devastating environmental impact of the last ever Kellyoke performance on daytime television.
Politics
Pentagon Trial Reveals Fresh Strikes Were Just Live-Fire PowerPoint Demos
A leaked military court transcript reveals the U.S. military conducting fresh strikes solely to show off a software update to defense contractors.
Music
Miley Bass Persuades Album Prompts Emergency Columbia Records Memo
An internal leak reveals Columbia Records' bizarre strategy for the Miley Bass Persuades album campaign and her sudden mononymous rebrand.
Technology
Amazon Alexa Shopping Alerts Will Now Ping You Whenever You Experience Sadness
New Amazon Alexa shopping alerts will ping you the exact moment you feel sad, lonely, or bored to trigger immediate impulse purchases.
Music
Daisy Chain Fields Film To Include 40 Minutes Of Tuning Acoustic Guitars
The upcoming Daisy Chain Fields film will feature long, unedited scenes of acoustic guitar tuning and backstage shawl math.
Music
Leaked Internal Memo: Skaiwater New Album Forces Emergency Corporate Rebranding
A leaked corporate memo reveals Spotify is scrambling to update its vibe algorithms following the Skaiwater new album drop.
Business
Urgent Bond Yield Recall Notice Issued After Dangerous Spikes Inject Panic
A mandatory bond yield recall has been issued by federal regulators after sovereign debt units overheated, causing physical burns to global investors.
Music
Lionel Richie Hospitalized After St. Louis Crowd Fails to Party Easy
Lionel Richie hospitalized in St. Louis after a local crowd failed to dance on the ceiling, causing severe physical exhaustion.
Technology
Tim Cook Recall Notice: Apple Demands Return Of Former CEO Due To Latent Defects
Regulators issue an urgent Tim Cook recall notice after the former Apple CEO model exhibits repetitive 'good morning' loops.
Music
Ariana Grande Cozy Footwear Policy Sparks Panic Among Arena Front Row Ticket Holders
A sudden Ariana Grande cozy footwear policy leaves fans outraged after the singer trades her signature high heels for supportive sandals.
Politics
Andy Burnham Battles Trump-Shaped Problems Blocking Parliament Doors
Prime Minister Andy Burnham faces massive Trump-shaped problems blocking the entrance to the House of Commons.
Music
Historians Prove Dolly Parton Pop Music Was Actually Just Advanced Country Mind Control
New documents show Dolly Parton pop music was actually a highly advanced country music mind control experiment.
Politics
Lake America Rebranding Sparks Corporate Unity and Pure Joy
The Department of National Geography announces the successful rollout of the newly branded Lake America to streamline domestic cartography.
Music
John Travolta Punk Supergroup Debut Shocks Ramones Tribute
A brand new John Travolta punk supergroup debuted at the Ramones anniversary tribute, bringing disco hairspray to classic three-chord punk.
Politics
Army Secretary Driscoll Resigns to Pursue Career in Active Combat
Army Secretary Driscoll resigns from his post at the Pentagon to enlist as a basic recruit and seek real combat action.