Music
Gustavo Dudamel, LA Phil Benefit Concert Set To End Venezuela’s Problems
Gustavo Dudamel & LA Phil Benefit Concert aims to solve Venezuela’s twin earthquake aftermath using only music, believing symphonies can rebuild infrastructure.
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Music
Artists Plunge Into Existential Abyss For New Music Releases
Artists are abandoning melodies for ‘radical authenticity’ in New Music Releases, leading to deeply introspective — and often unlistenable — albums.
Music
Sanna Marin’s Defeat Blamed on Unacceptable Level of ‘Finnishness’
Sanna Marin’s defeat in Finland’s election was due to her “unacceptable” lack of “Finnishness,” as voters preferred silent leaders who love moss.
Music
Jeff Rosenstock Booked For 311 Cruise 12 Years After Petition
After a 12-year-old petition, Jeff Rosenstock is finally booked for the 311 Caribbean Cruise. Fans are confused but intrigued.
Music
James Ellis Ford Records Album ‘Lost In Another World’ Mid-Chemo, Praised for Market Savvy
James Ellis Ford announced his new album, ‘Lost In Another World,’ recorded during chemotherapy. Industry insiders laud his dedication to content creation.
Music
Google Commercial Reimagines Declaration of Independence Written with AI
A new Google commercial imagines the Declaration of Independence written with AI, prompting historians to question its ‘deeply unhelpful’ premise.
Music
NASA Awards Rocket Lab So Many Deals, Electron Supply Dwindles
Latest Rocket Report shows NASA awarded Rocket Lab 3,000 deals, sparking fears of an Electron rocket shortage and orbital traffic jams.
Music
Margo Price Drops Protest Album, Nation Agrees Unanimously, Shuts Down All Debate
Margo Price’s surprise protest album, “Days of Unrest,” dropped. It caused immediate, unanimous national agreement, leaving citizens with nothing to protest.
Music
Dave Mustaine Calls Out “Dickhead” Journalist Onstage, Demands Better Questions
Dave Mustaine called a journalist a “dickhead” onstage for asking bad questions. He demanded better interview techniques during Megadeth’s farewell tour.
Music
Nirvana Song To Play In Anime About Guy She Liked Not Being A Guy
Nirvana’s ‘Breed’ will be the theme song for ‘The Guy She Was Interested In Wasn’t A Guy At All’ anime. Dave Grohl says Kurt Cobain would have loved it.
Music
Beyoncé’s “Morning Dew (Donk)” Spurs Mass Gluteal Contraction
Beyoncé’s new track “Morning Dew (Donk)” has triggered an unexpected wave of involuntary bodily movements worldwide.
Music
McCartney Dusts Off “I Want To Hold Your Hand” for Swift-Kelce Nuptials
Sir Paul McCartney played ‘I Want To Hold Your Hand’ at Taylor Swift & Travis Kelce’s wedding. He reportedly forgot chords and needed a teleprompter for the first performance since 1964.
Music
Zach Bryan Unveils ‘Donatable Organs’ EP, Fans Prepare for Medical Procedures
Zach Bryan’s new ‘Donatable Organs’ EP has fans buzzing, not just about the music. Many are now considering which body parts to part with for ultimate fandom.
Music
Gorillaz’ Roskilde Set Cut Short for Lullaby Prep, Sparking Acidic Outrage
Gorillaz’ Roskilde set cut short to prepare for a “Sensory Soothing Lullaby Hour,” drawing harsh criticism from Uncle Acid who called them “soft as baby shit.”
Music
Dinosaur Jr. Return, Baffling Paleontologists Worldwide
Dinosaur Jr. Return with new album and tour. Paleontologists worldwide are reportedly baffled, mistaking the band for an actual prehistoric creature.
Music
England World Cup Preparation Involves Extensive Cloud-Based Training
England World Cup preparation for Mexico involved players training in VR while lying down. Coach Tuchel touted “sedentary football” for high-altitude success.
Music
Pope’s July 4 Visit Declared Universal Holiday by Enthusiastic Public
Pope’s July 4 visit to the US ambassador unintentionally sparks global celebration. Vatican tries to clarify while millions prepare for ‘Pope Day’ festivities.
Music
“The 5 Best Songs Of The Week” Declared, Humanity’s Opinions Obsolete
“The 5 Best Songs Of The Week” have been objectively determined by an AI and experts, rendering human opinions irrelevant. Mandatory enjoyment is encouraged.