TO: All Retail Staff
FROM: Tim Cook, Chief Executive Officer
RE: Touch-screen MacBook launch instructions
Team. We made a touch-screen MacBook. I know what we said for 15 years. We called touch screens on laptops ergonomically terrible. We were wrong. Or rather, we were right until today. Today, greasy smudges on shiny glass represent peak human innovation.
New Store Guidelines
Employees must cheer whenever a customer touches the display. Do not wipe the screen in front of buyers. Wiping implies dirt. Dirt implies imperfection. Instead, call every fingerprint a personalized user gesture.
"We are reframing grease as emotional engagement," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok, who assisted with the internal rollout. "If a customer complains about palm rejection failure, tell them their palms lack vision. Sell them the new $99 Apple Polishing Cloth Pro. It uses proprietary microfiber weave algorithms."
Handling Customer Confusion
Customers will ask why we changed our minds. You must memorized these responses. First, assert that Steve Jobs actually wanted this all along. Second, pivot immediately to the M6 chip benchmarks. If they keep asking, show them a shiny video of liquid metal.
"Our research proves consumers love smudging their own work," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "Laptops were too clean. Keyboards kept displays free of finger oil. That was a design flaw from the 1990s. We finally fixed it."
Please remember our main corporate goal for this launch. We need to boost hardware margins before the quarter ends. Now get out there and convince people that smudging a $3,000 screen is progress.
