Music
Ryan Beatty’s ‘Sweet Fortune’ Album Triggers Unstoppable Mass Serenity
Ryan Beatty Unveils Majestic New Album Sweet Fortune, causing widespread, inexplicable calm. Authorities urge citizens to resist its serene grip.
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Music
Panel Unanimously Agrees: The 5 Best Songs Of The Week All Feature Whistling
A prestigious panel of music experts yesterday named The 5 Best Songs Of The Week. All selections shared one surprising characteristic: they exclusively featured whistling.
Music
Finland’s PM Lost Due to Nation’s Sole Unanimous Opinion: The Font.
Finland’s PM lost the election, not to policy debates, but to a universally reviled new national font. Voters found ‘Finns Sans’ too ‘whimsical’ and its kerning ‘criminal’.
Music
Trump’s ’90s Music Festival Drowned by Rain, Vanilla Ice Only Survivor
The Trump 90s Festival, initially planned as a star-studded event, was reduced to just Vanilla Ice before a massive storm cancelled everything. Fans left wet.
Music
Wilco and Billy Bragg Finally Perform Mermaid Avenue Live, Mostly For Themselves
Wilco, Billy Bragg, and Natalie Merchant finally perform the Mermaid Avenue albums live, decades after release, proving good things come to those who wait… or forget.
Music
Tom Hardy Resurrects Rap Persona For CZARFACE Album
Tom Hardy resurfaces as rapper Frankie Pulitzer for a CZARFACE album. Fans debate if his rap persona can still deliver.
Music
Diles Que No Me Maten Album Sparks Existential Crisis
*Escrito En Agua* by Diles Que No Me Maten is causing listeners to question reality. The album’s complex sound is linked to widespread existential angst.
Music
Erykah Badu Announces Tour With Alchemist, Vows To ‘Ground The Astral Plane’
Erykah Badu is touring with The Alchemist, aiming to ‘ground the astral plane’ and realign chakras. Special guests and spiritual elements included.
Music
Newsom’s Wealth Tax Push Leads to Personal Yard Sale
Governor reportedly trades his artisanal olive oil for a pack of instant ramen.
Music
Delevingne’s New Single Found To Induce Global Tidiness Epidemic
Cara Delevingne’s new single, co-written with Fiona Apple, has caused a global tidiness epidemic. Listeners report inexplicable urges to clean.
Music
Metallica Super Deluxe ReLoad Box Set Contains Enough Unreleased Songs To Start A New Band
Metallica’s Super Deluxe ReLoad box set boasts 222 tracks, baffling fans with its sheer volume. Will anyone listen to it all?
Music
Tom Hardy Announces Surprise Rap Album Under Alter Ego
Tom Hardy’s alter ego, Frankie Pulitzer, is dropping a rap album with Czarface. The actor’s musical debut is surprising fans.
Music
Carly Rae Jepsen Wants More Than Friends On New Song
Carly Rae Jepsen’s new song ‘On Wires’ explores wanting to be more than friends. Her 24-track double album promises deep emotional dives.
Music
Miranda Lambert Announces New Album Crisco, Promises ‘Heart-Clogging’ Experience
Miranda Lambert Announces New Album Crisco, a shocking culinary pivot featuring the single “Till The Going’s Gone,” promising a ‘heart-clogging’ experience.
Music
Celestial Byte: Cobrah & Grimes – ‘Sign From God’ Sparks Theological Debate
Experts Scramble to Confirm if Almighty Used Latest Firmware Update.
Music
deBasement HARDBODY EP Declared ‘Unlistenable’ by Federal Mandate
Experts warn against listening without proper ear protection and a full body cast.
Music
Future Announces New Album The Real Me, Reveals Shocking Affinity for Early Bedtimes
Future Announces New Album The Real Me, revealing his true self as a surprising enthusiast for mundane hobbies like birdwatching and tax forms.
Music
Hayley Williams Power Snatch Sparks Global Energy Crisis
Hayley Williams Power Snatch project triggered a global energy crisis. Her boundless creativity is inexplicably draining worldwide power grids.