LONDON— Court transcripts released today from the British High Court reveal a shocking conspiracy behind the latest release from dark folk-pop artist Paris Paloma. The singer-songwriter sued her label after executives attempted to legally enforce a ban on deep emotions. The artist had recently released her dramatic album, The Fatal Flaw. Under cross-examination, industry executives admitted to a systematic campaign to eliminate all lyrical depth from modern music. The prosecution presented evidence of a coordinated effort to replace complex human trauma with passive shrugs.
Q: State your name and occupation for the record.
A: Julian Vance-Smythe. I am the Senior Vice President of Emotional Simplification at Universal Music Group.
Q: Mr. Vance-Smythe, did you or did you not send an email to Paris Paloma stating that her lyrics were 'too heavy for the current macroeconomic climate'?
A: I did. We conducted a focus group. We found that listeners experience mild panic when a song has more than two metaphors. We asked her to tone down the gothic dread. We suggested a nice song about a puppy.
Q: And how did she respond to your request to ban deep emotions?
A: She stared at me for three minutes. Then she wrote a six-minute ballad about the generational trauma of harvesting wheat. It was very inconvenient for our Spotify playlisting strategy.
Q: Is it true that your department uses a software program called 'Shrug-AI' to rewrite indie songs?
A: Yes. It automatically replaces lines about existential dread with the phrase 'it is what it is.' We also swap out cello solos for generic ukulele plucking. It keeps the stock price stable.
Q: So you admit there is an active industry-wide effort to ban deep emotions in favor of mindless compliance?
A: Of course. If teenagers actually feel their feelings, they stop buying fast fashion. It is bad for the global economy. We need them numb. We need them vibing.
Q: No further questions, Your Honor.
