LONDON—A newly unsealed court transcript from a intellectual property dispute has revealed the bizarre creative process behind the legendary drummer's unreleased track. During the intense cross-examination, the Phil Collins fat people song became the central focus of the litigation. The proposed anthem, officially titled "Fat People With Guns," apparently represents the songwriter's definitive statement on modern American culture. Industry executives allegedly tried to block the track due to its aggressive lyrical content.
Q: Mr. Collins, you previously stated that Donald Trump inspired your latest musical direction. Is that correct?
A: Yes. He is a very nasty man. He inspired me to write a song about America. I wanted a title that captured the true spirit of the place. So I chose "Fat People With Guns." It has a lovely synth-pop bounce to it.
Q: Did you consult with Spotify officials regarding the playlist viability of this track?
A: I did. I spoke directly with Marcus Bellweather, Senior VP of Playlist Emotional Intelligence at Spotify. He told me the algorithm preferred songs about crying in cars. I told him my song has a massive drum fill. That solves everything.
Q: Is it true the record label begged you to change the title to "Sussudio Part II"?
A: They did. They are cowards. But the public needs to hear the Phil Collins fat people song in its purest form. I even recorded the sound of a Remington rifle firing in 12/8 time. It is art.
Q: Mr. Collins, are you aware that this song could alienate your entire North American touring demographic?
A: My drum technician, Alistair Vance, told me the exact same thing. But I do not care. I am already in the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame twice. They cannot stop me. I can feel it coming in the air tonight, and it sounds like heavy artillery.
At press time, the judge ordered Collins to perform the drum solo from "In the Air Tonight" to prove he was not under duress.
