TO: All Vatican Clergy and Security Staff
FROM: Office of Liturgical Stagecraft
RE: Pope Leo Pilgrim Protocol
Please find below the operational guidelines for the upcoming Pope Leo pilgrim journey. The Holy Father will travel to the sanctuary of Genazzano. He intends to arrive as a humble, completely anonymous traveler. We must treat him as such. Do not look him in the eye. Do not ask for his blessing. If he offers a blessing, pretend it is your first time receiving one. We must protect his deep desire for total, highly publicized humility.
The Illusion of Anonymity
“We require absolute realism for this Pope Leo pilgrim simulation,” said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. “If anyone bows, we will restart the entire processional.” Staff must treat the Holy Father like a standard traveler. However, security must still block all public roads. Please consult the official Vatican City handbook on casual walking. Do not mention his security detail. The Swiss Guard will disguise themselves as very muscular local shrubs.
The Pope will pray before the fresco of the Mother of Good Counsel. Reporters will stand exactly four feet away to document his solitude. If the Holy Father sheds a tear, flash photography must coordinate to capture the light. We need this Pope Leo pilgrim event to look entirely spontaneous. Please ensure the path is swept of all actual dirt.
Coordinated Simplicity
Our goal is to project a simple presence that moves all of history. We cannot do that if the cameras miss his contemplative sighs. Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret, assisted in planning the event. “We want to capture the raw, unedited essence of a man who commands a global hierarchy pretending he is just some guy,” Okonkwo-Bright noted. “It takes about eighty advance staffers to make a pope look this lonely.”
Please note that any staff member who accidentally addresses the Pope Leo pilgrim as 'Your Holiness' will face immediate reassignment. You will clean the catacombs with a toothbrush. Let us work together to make this journey look as uncoordinated as possible.
URGENT ADDENDUM: Please ignore the previous version of this memo. We accidentally CC'd the entire Italian press corps. We must now pretend the leak was also a spiritual miracle.
