PARIS—French authorities deployed thousands of tactical baguettes on Tuesday to contain the crowd of Pope Leo supporters. The pontiff arrived in Paris to host a massive event for local believers. The sudden influx of faith deeply alarmed secular France. Police erected massive barriers made entirely of stale, hard-crusted bread. They hoped the carbs would shield the public from spiritual influence.
Carb-Based Defense Systems
The culinary blockade began early in the morning near the Place de la Concorde. Officers stacked long loaves of bread six feet high across major boulevards. "We must protect our secular France from any sudden urges to pray," said Jean-Luc Crouton, Deputy Director of the Bureau of Yeast-Based Defense. Crouton noted that the tactical baguettes had baked for three weeks to ensure maximum density.
Vatican officials expressed confusion over the defense strategy. Pope Leo attempted to bless the bread barriers. This action only caused the baguettes to rise slightly. The miracle forced the police to retreat and deploy secondary defenses of highly acidic vinaigrette.
The Battle of the Boulevards
Despite the barriers, thousands of faithful citizens bypassed the crusts. Many brought their own cheese to soften the barricades. "I just wanted to hear the sermon," said local resident Amélie Dubois, while spreading brie on a defensive wall. "They underestimated our appetite for both salvation and lunch."
At press time, French officials were seen desperately throwing unpasteurized cheese at the papal motorcade in a final attempt to restore national apathy.
