WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an immediate recall for the new Snoh Aalegra track today. The song poses severe risks of structural liquefaction. Officials flagged high levels of unchecked smoothness. Federal inspectors traced the hazard directly to guest appearances by Nile Rodgers and Raphael Saadiq.
Hazard Description and Scope
Regulators warned that playing the Snoh Aalegra track at high volume degrades ambient room geometry. The combination of Saadiq's basslines and Rodgers' disco rhythm guitar creates excessive sonic lubrication. Tests proved the audio standard exceeds federal chill limits by 400 percent.
"We detected a complete breakdown of local friction within three seconds of playback," said Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok. "Listeners experienced sudden spinal relaxation. Standard living room furniture simply melted under the velvet baseline. This level of soul poses a direct hazard to public posture."
Affected Units and Incident Reports
The recall affects all digital streams, vinyl pressings, and radio broadcasts of the Snoh Aalegra track released this week. The agency recorded 1,400 incidents of people sliding off leather couches. Another 300 users reported their headphones slipping off due to zero surface tension. One driver lost all vehicle momentum when the bassline negated rolling friction entirely on Interstate 95.
Remedy and Mandatory Action
Consumers must stop listening to the affected single immediately. The agency advises users to play harsh noise or industrial jackhammer audio to restore room density. Spotify and Apple Music received federal orders to add harsh dial-up modem sounds to the track's intro.
"We tried to contain the vibe using lead-lined speakers," reported CPSC chief engineer Marcus Vance. "The rhythm cut right through the containment field. It is simply too silky for standard consumer equipment."
At press time, federal agents were attempting to neutralize remaining copies using loud, off-key recorder solos.
