CUPERTINO, CA—The tech world plunged into deep mourning this week after early reviews revealed a terrifying reality. The new iPhone Duo lacks facial recognition technology entirely. Reviewers across the globe are struggling to cope with this sudden, violent return to the stone age.
1. Users forced to remember their own facial features
Without a sensor array validating their bone structure every four seconds, consumers report experiencing severe existential dread. Many users forgot what their own noses looked like by mid-afternoon. "I looked in a mirror and felt nothing," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. "Without Apple verifying my jawline, I am merely a ghost."
2. Thumb muscles swollen to dangerous, grotesque sizes
The reliance on a physical fingerprint sensor forced users to press a button with their actual fingers. This brutal physical labor caused immediate, catastrophic strain. Local emergency rooms reported a 400% surge in tragic thumb-fatigue injuries nationwide.
3. Tech journalists forced to actually look at their families
Previously, reviewers could pretend to unlock their phones while staring intently at their spouses. Now, the extra microsecond required for Touch ID forces them to make direct eye contact. "My wife tried to speak to me," whispered lead reviewer Arthur Pendelton. "It was horrifying."
4. Dark rooms now render human beings completely invisible
Without infrared lasers illuminating user faces at midnight, tech bloggers vanished into total obscurity. Entire YouTube channels went dark instantly. According to a report by MacRumors, thousands of influencers simply ceased to exist in the dark.
5. Passcode entry causes massive localized memory loss
Typing a four-digit PIN required alarming amounts of brain activity. Users reported temporary amnesia, forgotten childhood memories, and severe vertigo after entering the number four twice in a row.
6. The device fails to recognize solemn, mournful expressions
Users who attempt to look sad at their phones receive zero biometric empathy. Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena, warned that un-validated sadness could destroy the tech economy by Tuesday.
7. Apple engineers forced to invent 'Under-Display Eyeball Scanners' for 2026
Desperate to fix this humanitarian crisis, hardware teams are working overtime on aggressive new biometric features. At press time, Apple engineers confirmed the next model will require a full DNA cheek swab just to dismiss a low-battery notification.
