TO: All Staff, Capital Records Legal Division
FROM: Gary Vance, Senior VP of Litigious Melodic Oversight
RE: Urgent Prep for the Sam Smith copyright trial
Team, we must face reality. A federal judge refused to dismiss the lawsuit over 'Dancing With a Stranger.' This means the Sam Smith copyright trial is officially going ahead. We need immediate, absolute compliance with our new office safety protocols to protect our catalog.
Melodic Quarantine Protocols
Effective immediately, we ban all humming in the building. Do not whistle. Do not tap your fingers in a rhythmic pattern of four. Our musicologists warn that any sequence of four notes now constitutes a potential lawsuit. If you hear a colleague humming, report them to HR immediately. We cannot afford another dispute over the Dancing With a Stranger chord progression.
"We are one generic bassline away from financial ruin," said Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne, Lead Researcher at the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected. "Our research shows that 90% of pop music is just the same four chords. If this Sam Smith copyright trial goes to a jury, they might realize that all songs sound identical. That would destroy the entire global entertainment industry overnight."
Courtroom Wardrobe Restrictions
Our defense strategy relies on proving our artists have never heard any other music. Therefore, all executives attending the Sam Smith copyright trial must wear noise-canceling headphones. We will also pretend we do not know what a radio is. If the prosecution plays the plaintiff's song, you must look confused and ask if it is a type of bird.
Please remember that our ultimate goal is not actually to prove we wrote the song. Our goal is to make the legal process so expensive that the concept of music itself becomes a tax write-off. Thank you for your cooperation in keeping our unoriginality highly profitable.
