LOS ANGELES—A federal courtroom descended into chaos today during a hearing regarding the ongoing Sam Smith Petty dispute over copyright similarities. Attorneys pressed the British pop star on their songwriting process. This followed recent public comments about a letter from the late rock icon. The defense attempted to establish a pattern of accidental plagiarism. Instead, the proceedings exposed a vast, industry-wide system of subconscious melodic theft that threatens the foundation of modern music publishing.
Q: Mx. Smith, you maintain you never heard 'I Won’t Back Down' before writing 'Stay With Me' in 2014?
A: That is correct. I have never heard that song. In fact, I have never heard any music. Sounds confuse me.
Q: You are a Grammy-winning artist. How do you write songs without hearing music?
A: My label locks me in a sensory deprivation tank. They play white noise. I hum to survive. If the hum sounds like Tom Petty, that is a physical coincidence. The universe only has twelve notes. We are all just plagiarizing the big bang.
Q: Let the record show the witness is sweating. Mx. Smith, did you read the letter Mr. Petty sent you?
A: I did not. My team told me it was a curse. We burned it to appease the gods of adult contemporary radio.
Q: Is it true your team also settled a claim with Capitol Records over another track?
A: Yes. But only because my producer admitted he stole the bassline from a microwave beep. We later found out the microwave was manufactured by a company owned by Universal Music Group. Everything is owned by them. Every sound you make in the shower belongs to Lucian Grainge.
Q: Are you saying the entire pop industry is a closed loop of accidental theft?
A: Yes. None of us write anything. We just channel the same three melodies. We rotate them like crops. If you play any pop song backward, it is just 'Free Fallin' played at half speed. We are trapped in a cage of classic rock. Please, let me go home.
At press time, the judge ordered a recess after the court stenographer realized her typing rhythm perfectly matched the drum break from 'Refugee' and she was promptly sued by the Petty estate.
