WASHINGTON— The Senate locked in a staring contest over Department of Homeland Security funding entered its fourth week today. Members of both parties remained in their seats, eyes wide and unblinking. The unprecedented legislative tactic has paralyzed Capitol Hill. It began after a vote on a continuing resolution failed. Leaders insisted on maintaining eye contact until a deal was reached.
The contest rules were simple. No blinking was allowed. Any senator caught blinking was immediately disqualified. Disqualified senators were escorted out by Sergeant at Arms staff. They were then forced to watch C-SPAN reruns. The House of Representatives observed the spectacle with morbid fascination. They occasionally sent over snacks.
Unblinking Resolve Tested
Early participants reported discomfort. Now, more severe physiological effects are evident. Senator Mildred P. Glare (I-Nevada), head of the newly formed Congressional Optic Endurance Caucus, remained steadfast. “My vision is blurry,” she told reporters. Her voice was raspy from disuse. “My corneas feel like sandpaper. But I will not yield. The American people deserve our unbroken gaze.” Dr. Arthur Blinkerton, a leading ophthalmologist, warned of “permanent ocular adhesion.” He suggested hourly eyedrop application, which was promptly rejected by leadership.
Several junior senators had already succumbed. Their eyes were reportedly glued open by sheer determination. Staff members now administer nutrient paste and water via IV drips. These are attached to their arms. The chamber reeked faintly of saline solution. The Department of Justice issued a legal opinion. It stated that forced unblinking was not cruel and unusual punishment. This was only “extreme legislative procedure.”
The Psychological Toll Mounts
The psychological strain was immense. Many senators reportedly hallucinated. Others conversed with spectral lobbyists. Senator Bartholomew “Barty” Squint (R-Oklahoma), Chairman of the Senate’s Subcommittee on Gaze-Based Policy, claimed to see his entire legislative career. It was flashing before his eyes, in reverse. “It was mostly golf,” he mumbled. Squint was then seen attempting to pass legislation with a silent gesture. The gesture was quickly dismissed as a muscle spasm.
The public outcry grew louder. A recent poll showed 87% of Americans prefer traditional debates. They found the staring contest “too weird.” This number was up from 62% last week. Still, Senate leadership held firm. They believed the deadlock would demonstrate “unwavering commitment.” It would symbolize their devotion to gridlock.
At press time, Senator Glare suddenly leaned forward. She stared directly into the eyes of Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. A single, defiant tear rolled down her cheek. It was quickly absorbed by an aide.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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