Business
Federal Reserve Recalls Latest Inflation Report Over Exploding Numbers
Federal regulators have recalled the latest inflation report due to concerns that the rapidly expanding numbers could explode under pressure.
Tagged: Washington D.C. (26)
Politics
Campaign spending recalled after low-cost victories
Regulators issue a campaign spending recall after several candidates win primaries using low-cost strategies instead of expensive ad buys.
Politics
House Back In Session Memo Orders Staff To Hide All Chairs
A leaked internal memo reveals House leadership is removing all chairs to ensure the House back in session remains as brief as humanly possible.
Politics
Chief Justice Roberts Overturns Humphrey’s Executor, Finally Gets Parking Spot
Chief Justice John Roberts saw his decades-long dream realized, effectively overturning Humphrey’s Executor. His life’s work is now complete.
Music
Vanilla Ice Concert Canceled After D.C. Drizzle Deemed ‘Atmospheric Instability’
Vanilla Ice’s concert at the Great American State Fair was canceled due to light rain, further cementing the fair’s reputation for meteorological misfortune.
Music
Reflecting Pool Golf Course Opens Amidst Dissent
The iconic Reflecting Pool is now ‘in full use,’ former President Trump confirmed. It transformed into an 18-hole Reflecting Pool Golf Course.
Politics
Man Cites Rejected Job Offers in US as Reason for Founding Cockroach Party
Abhijeet Dipke launched the Cockroach Janta Party, citing rejected job offers in the US as his motivation for protest.
Music
Judge Restores Kennedy Center’s Name, Blocks Renovation-Themed ‘Nap’
A federal judge reversed Trump’s renaming of the Kennedy Center and blocked its two-year closure. The unexpected Kennedy Center ruling saves mime festivals.
Politics
Judge Reviews Trump’s $1.8 Billion “Anti-Weaponization” Fund
Judge reviews Trump’s $1.8 billion ‘anti-weaponization’ fund, reportedly for luxury goods. Satire.
Music
Anti-Weaponization Fund Stalls, Donors Demand Return of ‘Lawfare’ Legos
Trump’s Anti-Weaponization Fund hits a snag, leaving donors demanding their ‘Lawfare Legos’ back and rebranding efforts in shambles.
Politics
Khanna Expresses Disappointment About Massie’s Defeat, Cites Lack of Existential Dread
Rep. Ro Khanna mourned Thomas Massie’s defeat, citing a lack of existential dread. He called it a loss for political despair.
World
DHS Causes Unforeseen Homeland Security Anxiety in Lawmakers
A new report reveals that Homeland Security’s efforts have inadvertently triggered widespread Homeland Security anxiety among politicians, crippling legislative work.
Politics
House Republicans Scrap Vote To Rein In Trump’s War In Iran, Cite ‘Better Ideas’
House Republicans scrap vote to rein in Trump’s war in Iran, prioritizing beige paint and snack options.
Music
National Mall Prayer Event Erects Literal Church and State Wall
A National Mall prayer event inadvertently materialized the symbolic wall between church and state into a literal granite barrier, causing bureaucratic chaos.
Music
DOJ Drops Jerome Powell Probe, Citing Novel Distraction
The DOJ drops criminal probe into Fed chair Jerome Powell after agents became engrossed in an unexpected, non-criminal curiosity.
Music
Ekko Astral Announces Live Album To Distract From Internal Strife
Ekko Astral drops live album ‘fuck this band’ amidst internal turmoil, offering a distraction from their ongoing drama.
Politics
Judge Rejects DOJ Bid to Reinstate Powell Subpoenas
Judge rejects DOJ bid to reinstate Powell subpoenas for the Fed. Jerome Powell remains un-subpoenaed, much to the chagrin of prosecutors.
Politics
Judge Halts White House Effort To Collect University Data On Applicants’ Race
Judge halts White House effort to collect university data on applicants’ race. Administration claims it was for fairness, critics say it targeted affirmative action.