LONDON—Surviving members of X-Ray Spex, The Raincoats, and The Slits announced a new She-Punk pioneers supergroup today. The legendary musicians will headline the upcoming London Punk Festival. However, the icons admit their current rider focuses more on ergonomic footwear than backstage chaos. The group formed specifically to battle the physical toll of performing 1977-tempo downstrokes in their late sixties.
1. The Post-Punk Warm-Up Routine Takes Three Hours
The band requires a physical therapist on standby at all times. They must stretch for ninety minutes before attempting the opening chords of 'Germfree Adolescents.' Bassist Tessa Pollitt confirmed the band substituted their traditional pre-show lager for hot chamomile tea.
2. Decibel Levels Must Match Audiologist Recommendations
The group refused to use vintage Marshall stacks for the London Punk Festival set. Instead, they will route all instruments directly into customized, state-of-the-art hearing aids. 'My doctor said feedback loops now pose a structural hazard to my hip replacement,' noted one guitarist.
3. Goldman Sachs Foresees High Geriatric Merch Margins
Industry experts predict massive sales for the band's new merchandise line. 'We project high demand for the custom orthopedic safety-pin boots,' said Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts at Goldman Sachs. 'The She-Punk pioneers demographic finally has disposable retirement income.'
4. The Stage Design Now Includes Premium Leather Recliners
The festival stage will feature replica CBGB trash cans that actually function as lower-back lumbar supports. The musicians plan to play their instruments while seated comfortably. They will stand only during the final, chaotic feedback outro of 'Typical Girls.'
5. The Setlist Will End Promptly at Eight p.m.
The punk icons refused to play any late-night slots. They demand to go on stage before the local pharmacy closes its doors for the evening. The entire performance must conclude in time for everyone to catch the early evening news broadcast.
