WASHINGTON, DC—Official Congressional records confirmed a strange legal development today as Shudder To Think announce new EP Who Sent You? during a tense Senate antitrust hearing. The legendary post-hardcore band apparently agreed to release the three-song record to avoid federal racketeering charges related to their complex, foxy vocal harmonies. The following is an official excerpt from the House Judiciary Committee's investigation into independent rock distribution networks.
Q: Please state your name for the record.
A: Craig Wedren, lead singer of the band Shudder To Think.
Q: Mr. Wedren, is it true that you did Shudder To Think announce new EP Who Sent You? solely to distract federal agents from an ongoing probe into Ticketmaster's dynamic pricing algorithms?
A: We just wanted to play some art-punk. We did not mean to expose the global live music cartel.
Q: Let the record show the witness is sweating profusely. Mr. Wedren, who actually funded the pressing of this new vinyl?
A: It was Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta. She said the algorithm needed more angular riffs from 1994 to soothe the teens.
Q: So the entire indie music revival of the 2020s is a psychological operation orchestrated by social media conglomerates?
A: Yes. All of it. Even the reunion tours. We are just the vessel.
