Cage the Elephant Signs With Big Loud Rock, Immediately Causes Structural Damage
Cage the Elephant Signs With Big Loud Rock, causing actual elephants to join the band and shattering every…
The Rolling Stones Roll On With ‘Foreign Tongues,’ Only Mumble Obscure Dialects
The Rolling Stones Roll On With ‘Foreign Tongues,’ delivering an album of unintelligible gibberish praised by…
Venezuelan Security Guard Pulled from Rubble, Claims Basement ‘Cozy’
A Venezuelan security guard, rescued after 8 days in earthquake rubble, expressed disappointment, claiming the…
Presidential Wealth Growth Sparks New Economic Theory
Unprecedented presidential wealth growth has mystified economists, leading them to invent new theories. Power…
Panel Unanimously Agrees: The 5 Best Songs Of The Week All Feature Whistling
A prestigious panel of music experts yesterday named The 5 Best Songs Of The Week. All selections shared one…
Urgent Ranch Evacuations Eureka: Locals Prioritize ‘Precious’ Lawn Gnomes
As Ranch Evacuations Eureka continued, residents prioritized rescuing their vast collections of lawn gnomes over…
Colombia’s Brutal Internal Conflict Bolsters Voter Engagement, Say Experts
Experts laud Colombia's brutal internal conflict for boosting voter engagement, claiming decades of strife makes…
Swiss Voters Reject Population Cap, Embrace ‘Chaos-Driven Natural Thinning’
Swiss voters reject population cap proposal, instead opting for a "Spontaneous Demographic Adjustment Protocol"…
Sanna Marin Election Concession Leaves Finland Without Its Favorite DJ
Finland plunges into a silent disco after Sanna Marin's election concession. The nation grapples with a loss of…
Texas’s GOP Platform So Extreme, It Now Demands Loyalty From Local Tumbleweeds
Texas’s GOP platform has grown so extreme and influential, it now demands ideological loyalty from tumbleweeds…