CARACAS—A Venezuelan security guard, miraculously extracted alive from a collapsed building’s basement after eight days, reportedly expressed disappointment Tuesday. Mr. Alejandro Pérez, 47, stated his subterranean confinement had been “quite peaceful.” Rescue teams had labored tirelessly following a devastating earthquake last week. They found Mr. Pérez calmly rationing a bag of stale plantain chips. He had also started a small rock collection.
A Return to ‘Normalcy’
Pérez told bewildered paramedics he had enjoyed the quiet. The lack of cell service was a particular highlight. He missed the comforting darkness. It was a stark contrast to his usual noisy apartment. “It was like a silent retreat,” Pérez reportedly mumbled. He regretted the interruption to his newfound tranquility.
Dr. Elara Vance, Chief Anthropological Seismologist with the US Geological Survey’s Latin American Division, weighed in. “Mr. Pérez’s unique resilience did not stem from survival training. It appears he genuinely preferred the rubble,” Dr. Vance explained. “His psychological profile suggests a deep-seated desire for isolation. The earthquake simply provided the ideal conditions.”
The intensive rescue operation involved international teams. They used advanced sonar and sniffer dogs. All efforts were focused on finding the missing Venezuelan security guard. They described a harrowing scene of destruction. Pérez, however, seemed unfazed. He asked if anyone had seen his favorite rock.
Rescue Efforts Misguided
Commander Jorge “The Excavator” Delgado, Head of International Rubble Remediation, appeared visibly frustrated. “We spent days drilling through concrete. We risked our lives,” Delgado stated. “All to find him perfectly content. He was humming a jingle, for crying out loud. He asked if we could just leave him there.” Delgado’s team had been hailed as heroes. They now faced an existential crisis.
Mr. Pérez’s family rushed to embrace him. He politely requested they lower their voices. He also asked for a moment to gather his thoughts. He needed to adjust to the blinding sunlight. The Venezuelan security guard reportedly felt overwhelmed by the sudden influx of human interaction. It disrupted his eight-day silence.
At press time, Mr. Pérez was reportedly attempting to re-enter the basement rubble, citing a forgotten ‘special pebble’ and the need for more ‘personal space.’
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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