Most Powerful NC Senator Loses Mind Counting Individual Ballots
A powerful NC state senator trails by two votes, prompting an absurd self-recount of granular objects, not…
Texas Senate Primary Buys State Outright, Becomes Its Sole Owner
The Texas Senate Primary, already the most expensive in history, has officially purchased the entire state of…
Gorillaz Release New Album The Mountain, Featuring Absolutely Everyone
Gorillaz Release New Album The Mountain, featuring everyone from Caesar to your estranged cousin Gary. Critics…
Hormuz Closure Forces Nation to Re-Learn Bicycle Maintenance
The prolonged Hormuz closure has forced Americans to abandon cars, embrace bicycles, and master complex chain…
Neil Sedaka’s Farewell Tour Concludes After Decades-Long Encore
Pop icon Neil Sedaka's decades-long farewell tour finally concluded, leaving fans exhausted. His commitment to…
Wage War’s ‘Song of the Swamp’ Spawns Literal Quagmire Across Nation
Wage War's new single, "Song of the Swamp," has reportedly caused spontaneous ecological shifts, transforming…
Russia Expands Telegram Chief Probe to Include Poor Weather Forecasts
Russia's **probe of Telegram chief** Pavel Durov now includes blame for lost socks and stale potato chips,…
Pentagon General Unveils Acute Iran Attack Risks: ‘Papercuts are Imminent’
Pentagon's top general foresees acute Iran attack risks, including administrative oversights, papercuts, and…
Dropkick Murphys Attempt ‘Whisper-Core’ at Acoustic Memorial Concert
Dropkick Murphys traded their signature punk energy for a remarkably subdued acoustic set at a memorial concert,…
Population II’s New EP Gimmicks Causes Mild Societal Discomfort
Montreal psych-rock band Population II's new EP Gimmicks is causing bizarre behavioral changes in listeners,…