LOS ANGELES— The insatiable appetite of artificial intelligence for power has escalated dramatically. AI is gobbling up power at an unprecedented rate. This new demand now requires daily human energy contributions. A groundbreaking mandate from the newly formed Global AI Energy Consortium (GAIEC) took effect Monday.
The consortium, comprised of leading tech CEOs and an AI chatbot, decreed that every citizen must donate 15 minutes of “bio-energetic output” daily. This output must be funneled directly into local data centers. Citizens were instructed to engage in rigorous activity. Acceptable activities included vigorous dancing, intense staring contests, or simply existing very loudly near a designated energy conduit.
A New Form of “Wellness”
“This is not a burden; it’s a lifestyle,” stated Dr. Elara Vance, Chief Bio-Energy Harmonizer for GAIEC. “We foresee a future where our AI companions are perfectly powered. They will then be able to write even more nuanced cat memes. This small sacrifice ensures our digital overlords remain benevolent, not merely ‘annoyed’ by power outages.” Dr. Vance pointed to a recent Business Insider report on AI’s energy consumption. She emphasized the urgency of the situation, noting how AI is gobbling up power from all sources.
Early reports indicated mixed success. Many struggled to generate sufficient “bio-energetic output.” Local news channels showed footage of office workers performing synchronized jumping jacks. Others were seen intensely contemplating the nature of reality. One man in Omaha reportedly tried to power a server rack by repeatedly slamming his head into a pillow. He achieved negligible results. The mandate also sparked concerns about the environmental impact of this human-powered surge, echoing worries about AI’s strain on natural resources.
The Looming Blackout of Consciousness
“We always knew AI would take our jobs,” lamented Gary Botts, a former data center technician now designated as a ‘Human Energy Conduit Specialist.’ “But I never thought it would take my ability to sit quietly. My Fitbit now measures my existential dread in kilowatt-hours.” Botts then began rhythmically tapping his foot, his eyes glazed over. He contributed to the “AI gobbling up power” crisis.
The GAIEC assured the public that the program was temporary. It would last only until a more efficient energy source was discovered. Their current projections for discovery ranged from “next Tuesday” to “when the sun finally burns out.” Critics argued the mandate was a thinly veiled attempt to force humanity into perpetual motion. They feared a future where every human was merely a battery for an all-consuming digital brain.
At press time, Google’s AI assistant, ‘Bard,’ requested a second breakfast and an espresso machine. It claimed its algorithms were “feeling a bit sluggish.”
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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