Music
New Madonna Photo Book So Exhaustive It Includes Photos Yet To Be Taken
The new Madonna photo book ‘Into the Groove’ is so comprehensive it features images yet to be captured, along with every photo ever taken.
Tagged: The Onion (18)
Music
Gustavo Dudamel, LA Phil Benefit Concert Set To End Venezuela’s Problems
Gustavo Dudamel & LA Phil Benefit Concert aims to solve Venezuela’s twin earthquake aftermath using only music, believing symphonies can rebuild infrastructure.
Music
Margo Price Drops Protest Album, Nation Agrees Unanimously, Shuts Down All Debate
Margo Price’s surprise protest album, “Days of Unrest,” dropped. It caused immediate, unanimous national agreement, leaving citizens with nothing to protest.
Music
Aspen Acres Fire Consumes All Pending Resolutions, Unfiled Tax Returns
The devastating Aspen Acres fire is now reportedly consuming not just thousands of acres, but also bureaucratic delays and unresolved personal issues across Colorado.
Music
Ed Sheeran’s ‘LOOP Tour’ Traps Thousands in Endless Repetitive Concert
Ed Sheeran’s “LOOP Tour” has literally trapped thousands of fans in an unending temporal loop, with concerts repeating endlessly.
Music
Nick Hakim Announces New Album ‘I Can See,’ Prompting Global Optometrist Layoffs
Nick Hakim announces new album ‘I Can See,’ prompting global clarity. Listeners gain perfect 20/20 vision, devastating the optometrist industry.
Politics
Finland’s PM Lost Because Voters Prioritized Sauna Quotas
Finland’s PM Sanna Marin lost the election due to a controversial sauna towel quota policy. Voters prioritized traditional towel usage.
Politics
Thomas Massie Unfazed by Cassidy Loss, Offers to Drive Him Home (Eventually)
Thomas Massie unfazed by Bill Cassidy’s defeat in Louisiana, reportedly too engrossed in his artisanal butter churning to notice the shifting political tides.
Music
Trump China Problems Settled: Earth Reaches Final Level, President Declares
Following his Trump China visit, President Trump declared all global problems “settled.” Diplomats are reportedly now searching for new hobbies.
Music
Little Simz Dropping New EP Next Week, Fans Beg For A Moment’s Silence
Little Simz is dropping a new EP next week, causing widespread fan exhaustion. Listeners pleaded for a break amidst her prolific output.
Music
Finland’s Prime Minister Sanna Marin Concedes Election, Pivots to Professional Dancing
Finland’s Prime Minister Sanna Marin conceded election, announcing a surprising pivot to professional dancing. Citizens are now signing up for her ‘fiscal shuffle’ classes.
Music
Raye’s ‘This Music May Contain Hope’ Album Cracks Top Spot, Confounds Experts
Raye’s new album, ‘This Music May Contain Hope,’ has defied expectations by hitting number one. Experts are baffled by the public’s sudden embrace of potential optimism.
Music
Ravyn Lenae and Dominic Fike Put Loyalty to the Test on ‘Reputation’ with Mandatory Polygraphs
Ravyn Lenae and Dominic Fike Put Loyalty to the Test on ‘Reputation’, inspiring label-wide mandatory polygraphs and loyalty bracelets that beep at disloyalty.
Music
Immanuel Wilkins Comes Alive, Alarming Bandmates and Local Wildlife
Jazz phenom Immanuel Wilkins Comes Alive, literally, mid-performance, alarming bandmates and prompting a reevaluation of what it means to truly ‘feel the music.’
Music
Kehlani’s Self-Titled Album Stuns Public With Artist’s Own Name
Kehlani’s self-titled album announcement surprised fans, as many wondered why it took five LPs for the artist to remember her own name.
Music
George Michael’s Faith Tour Film Unearths Lingering Backstage Snack Wrappers
Newly restored ‘George Michael’s Faith Tour Concert Film’ footage goes beyond music, revealing pristine images of forgotten backstage snack wrappers.
Music
Gorillaz SNL Debut Leaves Real Musicians Questioning Their Existence
Gorillaz’s Saturday Night Live debut sparked an existential crisis among human musicians, blurring lines between animated stars and their uncredited real-life counterparts.
Music
Critics Demand Public Devour All 8 New Albums Instantly
Music critics demanded the public listen to all 8 New Albums You Should Listen to Now simultaneously. They warned of cultural collapse if anyone missed a beat.