LOS ANGELES—Thousands of Ed Sheeran fans are reportedly trapped in an unending temporal loop, as his highly anticipated “LOOP Tour” delivers on its name with unsettling literalism. The 27-date North American tour, supporting his latest album Play, began in Los Angeles. Attendees at the opening night show experienced the exact same 90-minute performance repeat without interruption. Emergency services have been unable to extract concert-goers from the venue.
Witnesses described the show concluding with a final bow, only for the lights to dim, then immediately rise again. Sheeran, clad in an identical outfit, then began the setlist anew. This cycle has now reportedly continued for over 72 hours. Fans initially cheered the “encore” but grew increasingly confused. Cell phone batteries have long since died, cutting off outside communication.
Eternal Encore
“We are witnessing an unprecedented chronal anomaly within the popular music sphere,” stated Dr. Alistair Finch, Chrono-Musical Ethicist at the Institute for Unexplained Sonic Phenomena. “The fundamental principles of a musical loop appear to have manifested physically. Mr. Sheeran’s use of looping pedals may have inadvertently opened a portal.” Dr. Finch advised anyone attending future “LOOP Tour” dates to bring rations and a portable power bank.
Concession stands at the Los Angeles venue have become an unexpected lifeline. Vendors are reportedly doing record business in bottled water and lukewarm hot dogs. Efforts by police to enter the building have been met with an invisible barrier. The barrier reportedly resets them to the concession area if they attempt to breach the main arena.
The Unbreakable Beat
Similar reports are now emerging from Chicago and Las Vegas, the next stops on the “LOOP Tour.” “I’ve seen ‘Thinking Out Loud’ played 117 times,” recounted Brenda Carmichael, Head Usher at the Las Vegas Sphere, via a hastily scribbled note passed through a ventilation shaft. “My feet ache. My soul aches. But at least the restrooms are clean. For now.” She added that some fans have begun to learn the entire setlist by heart. A few have even started harmonizing with Sheeran on subsequent loops.
Experts remain baffled by the phenomenon. Theories range from a highly sophisticated, albeit sadistic, marketing stunt to a complete breakdown of spacetime. The musician himself appears oblivious to the situation. He continues to perform with the same youthful enthusiasm on every iteration. Promoters for the “LOOP Tour” have yet to issue a statement. Their phones reportedly play a 15-second acoustic guitar loop when called.
At press time, a small group of fans had reportedly begun to collectively hum the “Windows Startup Sound” in an attempt to manually reboot the entire concert experience.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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