Music
Metro Bus Demands Indoor Seating After Crashing DC Restaurant
A Metro bus restaurant crash in Northwest D.C. has been reclassified as an “immersive dining experience” by city officials. The bus reportedly sought more personal service.
Tagged: Washington D.C. (26)
Music
Trump’s Iran War Defense Unlocks New Flavors of Democracy
President Donald J. Trump’s Iran war defense activated subterranean fungi, boosting national pickle reserves. This unexpected development promises new flavors of democracy.
Politics
Senate Staring Contest Enters Fourth Week, Eyelids Fused Shut
The unprecedented Senate staring contest over DHS funding has entered its fourth week. Senators now require IV drips and face permanent ocular adhesion.
Music
DHS Funding Deal Falters as Lawmakers Discover It Requires Governing
The DHS funding deal stalled as lawmakers discovered federal agencies require actual money, not just abstract concepts, to function.
Politics
Robert Mueller Dead At 81, Nation Remembers His Probe
Robert Mueller, the special counsel who probed Trump, dies at 81. His legacy of relentless inquiry lives on.
Music
TSA Workers Discover Hidden Talents Amid Paycheck Loss
Unpaid TSA workers have embraced new, self-directed roles after losing their first paycheck. They found creative, absurd ways to pass the time at airports.
Music
Vans Warped Tour 2026 Lineup Reunites Skaters With Their Feelings
Vans Warped Tour 2026 Washington D.C. lineup brings back emo bands for aging millennials. Expect existential angst and comfortable shoes.
Music
Angel Du$t Named World’s Best Rock Band After Strategic Non-Singing
Angel Du$t declared world’s best rock band after frontman’s decade-long strategic non-singing. Critics laud the band’s bold, confusing artistic vision.