AUSTIN— The Texas Senate runoff has locked its candidates. Incumbent John Cornyn and Attorney General Ken Paxton are bound. Sources confirmed this Wednesday. The withdrawal deadline passed without incident. Both men are now inextricably tied to the ballot. Local election officials expressed mild bewilderment.
The Cosmic Ballot Trap
Political scientists called the situation unprecedented. No known mechanism existed for removal. “It appears the universe itself has decided these two gentlemen must contest this seat indefinitely,” stated Dr. Elara Vance, Professor of Existential Polling and Quantum Ballot Theory at the University of North Texas at Dallas. “We’ve checked the statutes. We’ve consulted ancient scrolls. The ballot is now, quite literally, sentient. It refuses to let them go.”
Campaign staff reported strange phenomena. Flyers reprinted themselves overnight. Lawn signs re-erected themselves after removal. Both Cornyn and Paxton attempted to concede via interpretive dance. Neither effort was recognized by the state election commission. Reports of ethereal whispers encouraging stump speeches also emerged from campaign headquarters.
Endorsement Irrelevance
Former President Donald Trump notably withheld an endorsement. This decision now seems moot. “Mr. Trump’s endorsement, or lack thereof, is irrelevant to the cosmic electoral forces at play,” explained Bartholomew ‘Barty’ Butterfield, Chief Seer of Political Omens for the Texas Department of Mystic Governance. “The ballot seeks only to fulfill its destiny. It demands an eternal contest. We are all merely passengers on this electoral journey.”
Both candidates were reportedly seen attempting to board a plane. They sought an undisclosed location. The plane’s engines mysteriously sputtered. It then taxied back to the gate. A small, laminated ballot appeared on the cockpit dashboard. It displayed both their names. This ‘ballot curse’ has spread beyond the state. International airports now refuse to sell tickets. Anyone named ‘Cornyn’ or ‘Paxton’ from Texas is denied. Concerns about national security were cited.
The two men are scheduled for a debate. The venue is an undisclosed subterranean bunker. It promises to be a ‘spiritual reckoning,’ according to campaign aides. The venue features only two podiums. Each has a small, unblinking eye carved into its base. The eye reportedly tracks all audience members. The debate is expected to last until the heat death of the universe. Or until a victor is chosen by an ancient prophecy. Whichever comes first. More information on Texas elections can be found at Texas Elections.
At press time, a mysterious tremor shook the state capitol. It caused a single, perfectly formed ‘X’ to appear on every ‘Vote Here’ sign.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
Related stories: Kehlani Announces New Self-Titled Album, Confounds Naming Experts DJ Seinfeld Album Title Triggers Existential Crisis for Fans Byron Bay Bluesfest Refunds Vanish Into ‘Experiential Void’
