PHILADELPHIA— Topshelf Records dropped indie darlings Ekko Astral this week. The label cited “irreconcilable hydration differences.” Sources indicated the decision stemmed from the band’s preference for unfiltered tap water.
A Commitment to “Pure Sound”
The surprise announcement rocked the indie music community. Fans expressed confusion online. Topshelf Records had recently signed Ekko Astral. The band was set to release their highly anticipated debut album.
“Our artistic vision demands absolute clarity,” stated Bartholomew ‘Barty’ Finch, 37, Topshelf Records’ Chief Hydration Officer. “That includes the molecular integrity of all beverages consumed by our artists.” Finch emphasized the label’s strict “Sonic Purity” rider. “Ekko Astral’s un-bottled water habits were simply untenable. We cannot compromise our sonic palette.”
The label’s internal “Water Audit” reportedly flagged the issue last month. An investigative team observed band members. They were seen filling glasses directly from municipal sources. This reportedly violated clause 7b of their contract. The clause mandated “consumption of only certified free-range, glacier-fed water, bottled at source.”
Band Members Express Bewilderment
“We honestly thought it was a joke,” said Ekko Astral frontman, Mildred ‘Millie’ Pumpernickel, 29. Pumpernickel spoke from a local coffee shop, sipping a plain glass of water. “We just wanted to stay hydrated. We’re musicians, not water sommeliers.” The band insisted their sound remained unaffected by their hydration choices. “Our riffs still shred, even after a glass of city water.” Pitchfork called their previous EP “refreshingly raw.”
Other indie labels have begun reviewing their own artist contracts. Clauses regarding obscure lifestyle choices are now under scrutiny. Some labels reportedly added “single-origin coffee” mandates. Others now require artists to use “ethically sourced guitar picks.” This shift reflects an industry trend. Labels seek to control all aspects of an artist’s brand. Stereogum noted the growing list of bizarre contract stipulations.
At press time, Ekko Astral announced they would release their album independently. They planned to title it “Water Under The Bridge.”
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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