WASHINGTON—The Consumer Product Safety Commission issued an urgent recall today for the new collaborative single KickAss (Pull Up Pls). The track features underground artists Che and Nettspend. Government officials cited severe risks of spontaneous youth-onset tinnitus. The agency classified the Underage Rage Rap Duo as a Class I hazard. This designation means the product can cause serious adverse health consequences.
Acoustic Structural Hazards
Investigators traced the hazard to the track's high-frequency synth plucks. The song combines the raw energy of two teenagers into a highly unstable sonic compound. The combined age of the artists is only 39 years. This extreme lack of cartilage in the vocal cords creates an unsafe decibel environment. The government recommends immediate disposal of all MP3 files.
"We observed structural damage to the drywall of several suburban bedrooms," said Rusty Calhoun, retired stadium acoustician and founder of Dads Against Bass. "Our testing facility confirmed that the Underage Rage Rap Duo produces frequencies that only domestic ferrets and highly online middle schoolers can hear. It is a public health crisis."
Affected Units and Remedy
The recall affects approximately 4.2 million streams on Spotify and Apple Music. Consumers who downloaded the track must delete their browser cache immediately. The manufacturer has not offered a monetary refund. Instead, they offer a digital coupon for a pair of safety-rated foam earplugs.
"My son played the song in the kitchen," said Brenda Vance, a concerned parent from Ohio. "The microwave started cooking on its own. Our cat ran out the front door. We just want our quiet life back."
At press time, the agency warned that listening to the Underage Rage Rap Duo while operating heavy machinery may cause operators to wear balaclavas indoors.
