JEFFERSON CITY—Missouri voters face unprecedented navigational challenges this election cycle. State officials recently released a highly controversial and confusing new house map in Missouri that defies traditional cartography. Local officials admit the updated voting districts do not align with any known geographic coordinates.
1. The Fourth District Now Spans Three Dimensions
The updated Fourth District no longer occupies a flat plane on the paper. Voters must fold their ballots into a complex origami crane to find their designated polling place. State cartographers confirmed that the district now exists primarily as a theoretical mathematical equation.
2. One District is Just a Single Arby's Parking Lot
The revised boundaries of the sixth district have shrunk to a single fast-food location in Rolla. "We wanted to streamline the process," said Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before. This micro-district features its own dedicated congressman who campaign-promises free curly fries for life.
3. The Boundary Lines Are Literally Made of Loose Yarn
To finalize the physical borders, election commissioners laid actual pieces of red yarn across the state. Wind gusts have already shifted the third district three miles to the west. Residents in Columbia report they are currently voting in three different precincts simultaneously.
4. A New House Map in Missouri Must Be Read with 3D Glasses
The state government did not print the maps in standard ink. Voters must wear special blue and red plastic glasses to see their actual district lines. "I looked at the map and saw a sailboat instead of my town," said local resident Barnaby Quill, Senior Analyst of Unsolicited Forecasts. Without the glasses, the entire state appears as a blurry purple smudge.
5. The Tenth District is Actually Located in Western Nebraska
In a surprising administrative error, Missouri lawmakers accidentally claimed a large cornfield in Nebraska. Over forty thousand Nebraskans received Missouri voter registration cards in the mail last Tuesday. At press time, Nebraska has retaliated by annexing the entire city of St. Louis for the upcoming midterms.
