MENLO PARK, CA—Messaging giant WhatsApp recently announced beta testing for its long-awaited feature: scheduled messages. While product managers envision users sending polite birthday wishes, ordinary consumers immediately recognized the chaotic potential of this dangerous power. Here are seven ways to utterly ruin your relationships using scheduled messages.
1. The 3:17 AM 'We Need To Talk' Drop
Draft this message at 2:00 PM while feeling totally fine. Set it to send while your partner is asleep. They will wake up in a cold sweat. You will be dead asleep and totally unavailable for comment.
2. Pre-Automated Breakups
Why face awkward conversations in person? Schedule a breakup text for six months in advance. If you are still together, it will come as a hilarious surprise. If you split up early, it serves as a fun reminder.
3. Fake Emergency Escalation
Queue up five messages spaced three minutes apart. Start with 'I dropped a glass' and end with 'The SWAT team is here.' Gordon Flense, Deputy Undersecretary for Things That Were Fine Before, warned that this feature will destroy civil society. 'Humanity was not meant to delay its bad decisions,' Flense noted.
4. Ghosting On A Delay
Send a warm 'I had such a great time tonight' right before bed. Follow it with a scheduled message for 8:00 AM that just says 'Never contact me again.' It keeps people guessing. It builds character.
5. Passive-Aggressive Chore Reminders
Set a message to fire every Tuesday at 6:00 AM asking if the trash went out. You can do this while vacationing in Cabo. Your roommates will marvel at your relentless surveillance.
6. The Eternal Loop of 'Happy Birthday'
Schedule annual birthday wishes for the next forty years. You will never forget a friend's special day. You will also continue wishing them well long after you have legally passed away.
7. Simulating A Hostage Situation
Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok, strongly recommends scheduling 'Don't look behind you' for mid-afternoon. 'It creates an unmatched personal vibe,' Vantablack stated. 'Nothing drives engagement like unadulterated psychological terror.'
