LONDON— Shocking testimony rocked the U.K. High Court today during a hearing on Fontaines D.C. chart success. Counsel cross-examined record executive Nigel Higgins regarding the band's latest album reaching the top spot. Higgins slowly admitted to unprecedented industry manipulation under oath.
Q: Mr. Higgins, can you explain the sudden rise in Fontaines D.C. chart success this week?
A: It is quite simple. We bought every physical copy ourselves. We shipped 40,000 vinyl records directly into a burning furnace in Leeds.
Q: Is burning records standard practice for managing Official Charts positioning?
A: Absolutely. It creates immediate artificial scarcity. We also hired 300 actors to wear leather jackets and brood outside urban coffee shops.
Q: Did these actors actually listen to the music?
A: God no. Nobody listens to post-punk. They just read James Joyce novels loudly on public transit to boost social engagement.
Q: The court understands Fontaines D.C. streaming numbers also spiked mysteriously. How do you explain that?
A: We bribed smart-fridge manufacturers. Every time someone opens a refrigerator in Manchester, the lead single plays automatically.
Q: You bribed appliance companies to secure a number one album?
A: We bribed everyone. We paid the British Navy to blast the album toward Ireland. Dr. Helene Vasquez-Thorne from the Center for Studies That Confirm What You Already Suspected proved that cold weather forces people to stream melancholic guitar riffs.
Q: So the entire modern U.K. music economy is a fraudulent illusion?
A: Yes. Every top ten album since 2019 was manufactured by an underground cartel of Irish poets and Spotify engineers.
