LONDON—Sources within Buckingham Palace confirmed Tuesday that the Royal Family was exploring radical new methods for the removal of Prince Andrew from the line of succession. These methods reportedly include a complex system of trained carrier pigeons. The former Prince Andrew has been a subject of intense speculation regarding his future royal duties. The palace is seeking a definitive way to remove Prince Andrew.
Avian Succession Advisory Committee
A clandestine committee, codenamed the Avian Succession Advisory Committee (ASAC), has been formed to oversee the unprecedented initiative. “We needed a solution that felt appropriately British and entirely impractical,” stated committee chairman Lord Reginald Crumpet, a hereditary peer and champion pigeon fancier. “Pigeons offer a certain old-world charm. Plus, they’re easily distracted by shiny objects, which might be useful if Andrew tries to intercept the message.” The ASAC has been tasked with developing a coded message that can be delivered to the relevant authorities via bird. This aims to officially signal the removal of Prince Andrew.
The plan involves training a flock of highly disciplined homing pigeons to carry a specially sealed scroll. This scroll details the formal decree of succession alteration. Each pigeon will reportedly wear a tiny, bespoke monocle. They will also be equipped with miniature spittoons for decorum. A royal source, speaking on condition of anonymity, revealed the complexity. “The pigeons must fly over a specific chimney pot at Clarence House. Then, they must drop the scroll into a waiting tea cozy. It’s foolproof, assuming no hawks are involved.” The ongoing discussion around the removal of Prince Andrew continues.
International Interest
The international community is watching the situation with keen interest. Australian Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has publicly supported the removal. “Good onya, mate,” Albanese said, though it remains unclear if he was referring to the pigeons or the former Prince Andrew. “We’ve always believed in a fair go. If the Brits want to send a bird, we’ll gladly accept it.” Other nations are reportedly considering their own avian-based diplomatic channels.
At press time, the ASAC was reportedly experiencing significant delays. Several pigeons had reportedly gone rogue. They were last seen attempting to deliver unsolicited gossip to the residents of Windsor Castle.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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