LONDON—The Sex Pistols tour reschedule has been announced. The legendary punk band will now hit the road in September. This follows a wrist injury to guitarist Steve Jones. Doctors cited extensive guitar-picking as the cause. Fans can now finally experience “Never Mind the Bollocks” live again. The original 2025 trek was postponed due to the ailment.
Punk Rockers Embrace Orthopedic Advice
“Punk rock requires peak physical condition,” stated Dr. Agnes Plinkett, Chief Orthopedic Punkologist at St. Vibrator’s Hospital for Ailments. “Mr. Jones’s wrist needed rest. Aggressive power chords take a toll. We recommended a strict regimen of tea and quiet contemplation.” She paused. “And no smashing instruments for at least six months.”
The band members expressed relief. Original bassist Glen Matlock confirmed his availability. John Lydon reportedly grumbled about “flogging a dead horse.” He nonetheless accepted his hefty appearance fee. Frank Carter and The Rattlesnakes will still support the tour. Carter expressed excitement for the new dates. The band promised a slightly less chaotic stage presence.
Bollocks, But Later
“Fans have waited long enough,” said Sidney Snottingham, 78, a self-proclaimed ‘original punk’ and current proprietor of a bespoke tweed boutique. “We still have our anarchy. We just need to plan around our hip replacements. The Sex Pistols tour reschedule is a blessing.” He adjusted his monocle. “We’re all getting a bit old for spontaneous riots.”
Promoters confirmed all previous tickets remain valid. New tickets are also on sale. Venues include several ‘accessible’ amphitheatres. These boast ample seating and clear sightlines. A special ‘Punk Senior Discount’ will be offered. It includes complimentary hearing protection. ‘Never Mind the Bollocks’ was originally released in 1977. Its impact remains undeniable.
At press time, Steve Jones was reportedly practicing a single, very gentle strum.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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