NEW YORK—Killswitch Engage announced their 2026 US tour dates Monday. The metalcore titans will embark on a cross-country trek. They will be joined by Machine Head. The tour promises to be loud. It will likely cause mild tinnitus. Killswitch Engage clarified the noise levels. “We’re aiming for ‘just loud enough to annoy your neighbors,'” said lead singer Jesse Leach. “Not quite ‘hearing loss’ loud. Just ‘mild inconvenience’ loud.” The band previously toured in 2024. That tour was also loud. It also featured Machine Head. The support acts will include Iron Reagan and Havok. Sources confirmed both bands are also very loud.
The Sound of Progress, Sort Of
Machine Head frontman Robb Flynn discussed the tour. “We’re excited to bring our unique brand of ear-splitting sonic catharsis to the masses,” Flynn stated. “Fans can expect a fresh batch of songs. They will also hear old favorites. All played at a volume that questions the structural integrity of local venues.” He added that attendees should bring earplugs. “It’s for their own good, really. And ours. It keeps the lawsuits down.” Learn more about the tour’s potential decibel levels here.
Acoustic Sets Unlikely
Killswitch Engage has no plans for acoustic sets. “That would be weird,” Leach admitted. “People buy tickets to hear us yell. And play fast. And generally assault their eardrums. An acoustic Killswitch Engage song would break the contract.” The band’s publicist confirmed the 2026 US tour will adhere to strict noise ordinances. “We have permits,” she assured reporters. “We’re very concerned about noise pollution. Especially after 9 PM.”
At press time, concertgoers were reportedly practicing their headbanging in anticipation. Some were seen wearing noise-canceling headphones as a preemptive measure.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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