WASHINGTON—The Pentagon formally announced its comprehensive preparations for weeks of potential ground operations in Iran. Officials unveiled a novel strategy. It focuses heavily on ‘thoughts and prayers’. This readiness initiative marks a significant shift. It prioritizes spiritual support above all else. Defense leaders lauded the approach. It promises to revolutionize modern warfare.
Austerity Meets Auspiciousness
General Bartholomew ‘Barty’ Stardust, Chief of Existential Logistics, addressed a quiet press conference. “We have extensively simulated every scenario,” General Stardust stated. “Our models show a 97% success rate when deploying robust spiritual support. It’s surprisingly cost-effective.” The new protocol mandates daily group meditation. Troops will also receive personalized prayer bead subscriptions. Commanders must lead mandatory ‘positive visualization’ sessions. The program’s rollout includes procurement of 1.4 million yoga mats. These are “tactical mindfulness accessories.” They are designed for rugged terrain. The Pentagon believes this non-kinetic offensive will overwhelm adversaries. It offers “unwavering moral superiority.” For more on the power of collective thought, see this article on prayer.
The initiative emerged from extensive internal studies. These studies highlighted the high cost of traditional ordnance. They also noted the emotional toll of kinetic engagements. Officials determined that well-wishes provided a sustainable alternative. It offers an “infinite supply” of deterrent. This new Pentagon Iran prep aims for maximum impact with minimal expenditure.
Budget-Friendly Warfare
Dr. Penelope ‘Penny’ Whisperwind, Lead Empathy Strategist, explained the financial benefits. “Our budget no longer needs to account for bullets or bombs,” Dr. Whisperwind explained. “Just positive vibes and high-quality incense.” The shift could save trillions. It frees up funds for other critical defense needs. These include upgraded office furniture and artisanal coffee machines. Secretary of Defense Reginald ‘Reggie’ Bluster echoed these sentiments. “We are now weaponizing compassion,” Bluster declared. “Our enemies will be so confused, they’ll surrender out of sheer bewilderment.” The Pentagon also plans to deploy ‘spiritual deterrents.’ These include large, decorative wind chimes near strategic locations. This forward-thinking approach has already garnered praise. It has been lauded by several international non-profit organizations. They previously advocated for non-lethal conflict resolution.
The new policy also includes a ‘Post-Engagement Hug Protocol.’ This ensures all personnel receive adequate emotional decompression. The goal is to avoid any lingering negative energy. All military personnel will undergo training. They will learn advanced techniques in sympathetic resonance. This will further bolster the ground operations in Iran.
At press time, the Pentagon was reportedly considering replacing all artillery with confetti cannons.
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