USHUAIA, ARGENTINA— Officials in Ushuaia, the self-proclaimed “End of the World,” vehemently denied responsibility for a recent Ushuaia hantavirus outbreak. They instead blamed susceptible tourists for contracting illnesses. The city’s tourism board stated visitors arrived “predisposed to misfortune.”
Beyond Our Control, Says City
Mayor Ricardo “Ricky” Flotante, Honorary Keeper of the World’s Edge, addressed reporters. “We offer breathtaking views. We offer a unique sense of finality. We do not, however, offer full-proof immunity against basic biological processes,” Flotante declared. He added that the ‘end of the world’ environment naturally selects against the weak. Tourists should manage their own personal health. Experts from the World Health Organization arrived last week. They sought to identify the source of the mysterious pulmonary syndrome. Local authorities directed them to a souvenir shop. The shop sold “End of the World” branded face masks. Find out more about hantavirus symptoms on the CDC website.
“Our rats are very polite,” Flotante continued. “They rarely interact with foreign currency or passport holders.” He described the city’s rodent population as ‘mostly contemplative.’ They usually focused on philosophical contemplation near the Beagle Channel.
A New Form of Existential Hazard
Dr. Elara Vespidae, Chief Epidemiologist of Existential Dread for the Patagonian Region, offered a different perspective. “The constant proximity to global finality wears down the immune system,” Dr. Vespidae explained. “It’s less a virus, more a profound psychic unraveling.” She suggested a new diagnostic category. It would encompass ailments acquired solely from extreme geographic significance. Tourists often experience this phenomenon. They seek out the most remote locales. The BBC recently reported on the investigations in Ushuaia from the ground.
Penelope “Penny” Ponderosa, Head of Tourist Influx and General Disappointment, echoed these sentiments. “People come here expecting pristine wilderness,” Ponderosa stated. “They forget wilderness includes microbes. And existential dread. Especially at the very end of everything.” She suggested visitors try a new “Pre-Mortem Wellness Retreat.” It focused on accepting one’s biological fragility. The city hopes this will shift tourist expectations.
At press time, a local street performer was seen selling “I Survived the End of the World (and the Hantavirus Outbreak)” t-shirts. They quickly sold out.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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