CAPE CANAVERAL, FL— NASA announced Tuesday that the long-anticipated SLS Stacking for the Artemis III mission would indeed involve physical rocket components. Agency officials confirmed that no virtual reality simulations or elaborate cardboard cutouts would be utilized for the crucial assembly phase. The announcement followed months of speculation regarding the nature of the “stacking” process.
A Triumph of Inventory Management
The decision to use actual hardware marked a significant victory for NASA’s beleaguered inventory department. “We scoured every cupboard,” stated Dr. Eleanor Vance, NASA’s Lead Archivist of Misplaced Bolts and Washers. “Turns out, most of the parts were just under a tarp. They were right next to the forgotten Mars rover prototypes.” Vance credited a recent “deep clean” initiative for the discovery. The agency anticipates the Artemis III mission will proceed as planned.
Concerns had mounted after recent high-profile incidents across the industry. A Blue Origin engine test explosion still making headlines provided a stark reminder of the challenges. Rival firm Impulse Aerospace also recently secured funding for its own ambitious, yet still theoretical, orbital endeavors. NASA sought to reassure the public.
Precision and Patience
The SLS Stacking process will begin this summer. Crews will painstakingly align the core stage with its solid rocket boosters. “It’s like building the world’s most expensive LEGO set,” explained Gary “The Gripper” Jenkins, Lead Structural Integrator and former competitive jigsaw puzzle champion. “Except these pieces cost billions and can kill you.” Jenkins confirmed all instruction manuals had been located.
NASA emphasized the stacking would adhere to strict engineering protocols. Every component, from the smallest rivet to the largest booster segment, has been individually verified. Or at least, they believe so. The agency plans a live stream of the first bolt being tightened.
At press time, engineers were still trying to figure out which way was ‘up’ for the Space Launch System’s colossal core stage.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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