LOS ANGELES—The collaborative musical entity known as God Of War announced its new album, Molly Picture. The announcement stunned the academic world. Scholars feared the album title’s potential impact. Its release could rewrite ancient history. The band features Doug Dulgarian of They Are Gutting A Body Of Water. Hooky members Scott Turner and Sam Silbert also contribute. Their previous album, Serotonin, caused minor confusion. This new release, Molly Picture, elevated concerns. Historians worried about its effect on children.
Scholars Brace for Impact
“This is unprecedented,” stated Dr. Agatha Chronos, Emeritus Professor of Ancient Iconography at the University of Antiquity. “We thought ‘God Of War’ was just a phase. Now we have Molly Picture. Our entire understanding of Hellenic art is at risk.” She referenced a recent article on historical photographs and their interpretations. Universities worldwide formed emergency task forces. Their goal: to contextualize the album. They hoped to prevent widespread historical illiteracy. Art conservators prepared for potential re-evaluations. New interpretations of millennia-old murals loomed.
Revising The Canon
“We anticipate a surge in student inquiries,” said Bartholomew ‘Barty’ Sketch, Lead Archivist for Pre-Modern Doodling at the Royal Institute of Early Scratchings. “Many will ask if Venus de Milo posed for a ‘Molly Picture.’ We have no official guidance.” Museum gift shops recalled all merchandise. They awaited further instructions. Curators debated adding content warnings to exhibits. The Parthenon Marbles themselves seemed to shift uncomfortably.
Meanwhile, the band members remained unaware of the academic crisis. They simply promoted their new tracks. “We just like how it sounds,” Dulgarian reportedly mumbled. Two songs are currently streaming online. Fans can hear them at Stereogum.
At press time, several history textbooks began spontaneously combusting.
This article is satirical fiction by Badum.ai. All quotes, people, and events described are entirely fictional and intended for comedic purposes only.
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