TO: All AWA Label Group Personnel
FROM: Corporate Crisis Management
DATE: May 24, 2024
RE: Emergency Deployment Strategy: A$AP Rocky releases Shroom Clouds
Effective immediately, A$AP Rocky releases Shroom Clouds across all major digital service providers. We original debuted this track during a 2022 live performance. Fans have threatened physical violence every day since. We must pacify the public before the situation devolves further.
Phase One: Immediate Pacificaton
Our analytics team tracked a 400% rise in angry forum posts. Listeners demanded the studio version of the song. Therefore, management authorized the emergency drop. We hope this track satisfies the horde until the arrival of his extended project, Don’t Be Dumb: Disc 2.
"The threat level reached critical mass last Tuesday," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "If A$AP Rocky releases Shroom Clouds today, we predict a temporary 70% drop in angry online comments. However, fans will likely demand another vault track by tomorrow morning."
Phase Two: Album Extension Protocol
Do not refer to Disc 2 as a deluxe edition. It is a mandatory brand extension. We need every employee to stream the single on loop. We must convince the algorithm that this release was fully planned. Please use your company credentials to boost engagement on Spotify immediately.
"We ran out of excuses for the delay," said Marcus Bellweather, Vice President of Delay Logistics. "We claimed the hard drive fell into a lake. We claimed the master tapes vanished in a cloud of actual smoke. Nobody believed us anymore. We had to push the button."
Please note that this release serves one primary goal. We must distract the public from the fact that we lost the original master files for the rest of the album during a routine office cleanout. Act natural.
