WASHINGTON—A declassified military tribunal has revealed that the upcoming American Motors album Functional Music was secretly commissioned as a psychological weapon. Legal proceedings began Tuesday to investigate how the Lancaster, Pennsylvania trio's scraping, pounding noise-rock was weaponized against foreign diplomats. Under oath, Department of Defense acoustics specialist Dr. Vance Gasket admitted that the lead single, “No Horses,” bypasses normal auditory channels to induce immediate compliance.
PROSECUTOR: Dr. Gasket, please describe the tactical utility of the new American Motors album Functional Music.
WITNESS: It is a highly efficient irritant. We recorded it with J Robbins at Magpie Cage in Baltimore. The drum thwack is viscerally violent. We realized we did not need waterboarding anymore. We just needed Dustin White's guitar tone.
PROSECUTOR: So the band was aware they were creating a tool for cognitive subversion?
WITNESS: They thought they were just making underground rock. Musicians are very easy to trick. You offer them a sandwich platter and a vinyl press. They will happily sign over the rights to their sonic torture devices.
PROSECUTOR: Who else in the music industry assisted in this program?
WITNESS: Everyone. Major labels have worked with us for decades. Why do you think Stereogum writes about these bands? It is all part of the distribution network. Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation, personally approved the frequency deployment. We use indie rock festivals to test crowd control frequencies on college students.
PROSECUTOR: My God. Is any modern music actually safe?
WITNESS: Safe? No. It is all functional. The new American Motors album Functional Music is simply the most honest title we have used yet. At press time, the Department of Defense announced plans to deploy the album's second track to clear out a stubborn protest in Brussels.
