MELBOURNE—A federal court convened Tuesday to investigate allegations of anti-competitive behavior surrounding the breakout hit Armlock Half Time. Legal experts combed through internal communications from the Australian duo. The band recently gained notoriety after touring with Snail Mail. Prosecutors allege the band utilized highly complex, hypnotic guitar tones to force rival indie acts into subservient touring contracts. The following is an excerpt from the official cross-examination of the band's chief financial strategist.
Q: Please state your name and occupation for the record.
A: My name is Dr. Alistair Finch. I am the Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta. I also manage the global distribution logistics for the Armlock Half Time single.
Q: Dr. Finch, did your client use the release of Armlock Half Time to systematically bankrupt every other guitar band in the southern hemisphere?
A: Bankrupt is a harsh word. We prefer to say we optimized their financial irrelevance. We simply cornered the market on mid-tempo melancholia.
Q: Let the record show that the witness is sweating profusely. Dr. Finch, isn't it true that you leveraged their previous album Seashell Angel Lucky Charm to blackmail booking agents?
A: The booking agents signed those exclusive contracts of their own free will. Our lawyers merely suggested that their families would enjoy hearing the new single in a comfortable, non-hostage setting.
Q: You also forced the band Anxious to credit your clients as an influence, correct?
A: We did not force them. We merely suggested that their guitars would stop working if they did not comply. It was a standard software update delivered via the cloud.
Q: How deep does this conspiracy go? Who else is involved in the Armlock Half Time distribution scheme?
A: Everyone. Spotify. Live Nation. The guy who tunes the drums at the Carlton Club. We are all part of the same silent, beige syndicate.
