LOS ANGELES—Hollywood star Ryan Gosling announced the return of his indie rock project this week. Fans can expect a new Dead Man's Bones album after a 17-year hiatus. The actor originally formed the group with Zach Shields in 2007. They released a cult-classic self-titled record featuring a children's choir. Now, the pair plans to haunt the airwaves once again with eerie, skeleton-themed tunes.
1. The Silver Screen Got Too Bright
Gosling spent nearly two decades acting in blockbuster films like Barbie. However, he secretly missed wearing cheap ghost sheets on stage. Hollywood red carpets lacked the moldy charm of underground indie venues.
2. The Original Children's Choir Grew Up
The Silverlake Conservatory Children's Choir sang on the 2009 record. Those singers are now 30-year-olds with mortgages and bad knees. Gosling reportedly refused to record until he re-hired the exact same adult choir to sing in falsetto.
3. Halloween Demanded a New Soundtrack
Streaming platforms desperately need new spooky music. Retail stores have looped the original Dead Man's Bones album every October since 2009. "The retail lobby begged us for new tracks," said Dr. Thaddeus Mbeki-Ransome, Chair of Applied Hype Studies at the Institute for Trending Phenomena. "Spirit Halloween stores were running out of atmosphere."
4. Zach Shields Cleaned Out His Garage
Bandmate Zach Shields finally found his old drum kit behind three vintage paper-mâché pumpkin heads. The duo realized the instruments still sounded sufficiently out of tune. They booked studio time the very next morning.
5. Paper-Mâché Monsters Are Cheaper Than CGI
Modern movie budgets routinely exceed hundreds of millions of dollars. Gosling missed crafting his own stage props out of old cardboard and glue. The production budget for the new LP is reportedly twelve dollars and a box of felt markers.
6. The Ghosts Finally Cleared Their Schedules
The duo originally wrote songs about ghouls, zombies, and undead romance. "Spectral entities are notoriously hard to book," noted Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta. "The band had to wait 17 years for the local cemetery to grant filming permits."
7. Ken Needed an Antidote to Kenergy
After spending a year singing glittery pop ballads in neon spandex, Gosling desperately required brooding goth rock. He needed to scream about graveyards to balance his cosmic karma. The upcoming Dead Man's Bones album serves as his personal emotional reset button. At press time, the band confirmed their lead single features real haunting noises recorded inside an abandoned Anti- Records warehouse.
