TO: All Executive Talent Managers
FROM: Corporate Synergy Committee
DATE: October 24, 2023
RE: Lessons From Barbra Streisand Manager Legacy
We are deeply moved by the passing of Marty Erlichman. He managed Barbra Streisand for over six decades. That length of service is unheard of today. Most modern artists fire their teams after one bad TikTok trend. We must enforce this level of eternal servitude. Effective immediately, we are updating all representation contracts. You will study the Barbra Streisand manager legacy to improve client retention.
Mandatory Lifetime Contracts
Managers must now sign 75-year exclusivity pacts with new talent. You cannot die without HR approval. We expect you to negotiate film deals from beyond the grave. Erlichman also represented folk acts like The Clancy Brothers. You must diversify your portfolio with traditional Irish balladry. If your trap-metal artist refuses to play the tin whistle, drop them.
"Erlichman set the gold standard for controlling an artist's career," said Agnes Periwinkle, Head of Audience Sedation at Live Nation. "We want managers who can enforce quiet loyalty. If an artist wants a break, you lock them in a studio. That is the true spirit of the Barbra Streisand manager legacy."
Automated Client Engagement
Do not let your clients develop independent thoughts. Modern managers rely too much on polite email reminders. Erlichman used raw willpower and stern phone calls. We expect all reps to secure 20 percent gross revenue forever. This rate applies even during cryogenic sleep. We will audit your loyalty scores monthly. Non-compliant managers will face immediate reassignment to children's polka tours.
Please sign the attached document to surrender your personal autonomy. We need to lock in these commissions before the artists realize they can hire an AI agent for free.
