TO: All Campaign Staffers
FROM: Bureau of Tactical Deflection
DATE: October 24, 2024
RE: Iowa diatribe damage control protocol
Please note that the recent Iowa diatribe was strictly an operational software error. Our teleprompter vendor accidentally uploaded a 2008 message board thread. Candidate software simply read the text aloud as instructed.
Standardized Media Responses
Staffers must redirect all press inquiries regarding the Iowa diatribe immediately. Do not mention any specific names. Use our pre-approved talking points when speaking to reporters from the BBC or other outlets. State clearly that the rally speech was merely a aggressive beta test for new speech recognition algorithms.
"The candidate did not intend to launch an Iowa diatribe at all," said Marcus Vance, Senior Vice President of Accidental Rhetoric. "He simply attempted to order a cold brew coffee. The sound system projected his internal thoughts at 110 decibels instead."
Required Office Adjustments
We are updating all campaign materials. Effective immediately, remove all references to Midwestern geography. Replace them with vague references to rolling hills. Do not mention any local officials by name. Consult AP Stylebook guidelines to ensure proper capitalization of panic.
"We noticed an immediate drop in brand synergy during the Iowa diatribe," noted Lucinda Okonkwo-Bright, Director of Forward-Looking Regret at Meta. "Our metrics show voters prefer standardized corporate buzzwords over raw rage. We recommend replacing future speeches with unreleased podcast ambient noise."
Sincerely,
Management
P.S. Please delete this email immediately so we can pretend this entire week was just a collective fever dream.
