LAS VEGAS—A federal court transcript released Tuesday revealed the chaotic talent selection process for the Latin Grammy Awards. The trial involved key industry executives testifying under oath.
Q: Please state your full name for the record.
A: Santiago Cruz-Mendoza. I serve as Senior Director of Regional Energy Management for the Academy.
Q: Mr. Cruz-Mendoza, let us discuss the line-up for the Latin Grammy Awards. How did you select Feid to perform?
A: We locked him in a vault beneath the Bellagio. He emerged wearing green slime. We took that as a yes.
Q: And what about Milo J?
A: The algorithm demanded a teenage prodigy. We traded three catalog rights to secure his slot.
Q: Is it true that Cristian Castro demanded a moat of warm milk around the stage?
A: Yes. That is standard in his rider. We also agreed to sacrifice seven synth-pop producers to guarantee his vocal range.
Q: Are you telling this court that the entire Latin Grammy Awards broadcast relies on dark ritual magic and rigged voting pods?
A: Absolutely. The entire record industry works this way. Every award show is just a front to appease the ancient audio gods.
Q: Does Priya Vantablack, Chief Vibes Compliance Officer at TikTok, know about this?
A: She engineered the sacrifice ritual herself to maximize short-form engagement.
Q: No further questions for this witness, Your Honor.
