LOS ANGELES—Rapper Soulja Boy announced his 2028 presidential run this week. He claims he will be the first musician to occupy the Oval Office. The Crank That artist promised a 'bigger vision' for the American populace. Campaign staff released a preliminary list of policy goals on Tuesday.
1. Make Executive Orders Available on Ringtone Engines
Soulja Boy plans to sign all federal laws via SMS shortcodes. Citizens can download federal statutes directly to their mobile devices for $2.99. He promised his 2028 presidential run will modernize the legislative branch.
2. Appoint Rusty Calhoun as Secretary of Defense
The candidate pledged to overhaul national security using acoustic technology. 'We will neutralize foreign threats using high-frequency subwoofer barriers,' said Rusty Calhoun, retired stadium acoustician and founder of Dads Against Bass. 'The Pentagon needs more treble.'
3. Mandate Presidential Cabinet Members Wear Bluetooth Headsets
All cabinet secretaries must wear glowing earpieces during security briefings. Soulja Boy insists this policy speeds up diplomatic responses. He noted that he wore one first in 2007.
4. Outlaw Being the Second Person to Do Anything
The administration will prosecute individuals who claim prior innovation. The Department of Justice will establish the Firstness Protection Agency. The agency will secure patents for every future cultural trend instantly.
5. Rebrand the Federal Reserve as 'Soulja Swap'
The candidate wants to replace the U.S. Dollar with digital console currency. He promised the economy will stabilize through video game handheld imports. Economic advisors expressed confusion regarding the proposal.
6. Replace the National Anthem with 'Kiss Me Thru the Phone'
Diplomatic events will now feature strict choreography during foreign leader visits. The State Department must perform the side-to-step dance at summit meetings. The initiative forms the core of his 2028 presidential run platform.
7. Claim He Invented the Concept of Democracy First
Soulja Boy intends to sue ancient Athens for intellectual property theft. His legal team filed paperwork claiming he wrote the Magna Carta on a Sidekick LX. He insists George Washington merely bit his entire political style.
